Shower

Every day of our lives we go inside the shower to clean our physical selves.  But me, I go there to clean my physical self AND cleanse my mental state of being. Does that sound foolish? At times I feel so lonely and bored with my life that I have no idea what to do. Every time I’m alone and at private in the shower, my mind wanders and can’t avoid passing by the unhappy thoughts. Ever since I've really been an emotional type and I just can’t avoid it. My life has been like this for quite some time especially when I reached early teens and now having diabetes just made things worst.

For more or less 4 months now I've been waking up in the morning everyday praying that my sugar would be normal as we check. I face the needles like a pro, like I’m already prone to it and an expert in handling it. I face all those rotten food tasting herbal liquid remedies that everyone had been suggesting I try hoping it’ll cure me miraculously. And it always makes me cry, those ugly tastes in my taste buds. Plus, I have to be conscious every time I eat with my parents because they’re always bugging me of what I eat, how much I've eaten and whatever. Things like this already made me hate my life. What more knowing I have no one to confide to and talk to about all this and have no one to comfort me or make me feel better? My parents won’t understand. They’re selfish most of the time and think only of themselves. They always fight in front of me and my younger brother and don’t mind us hearing everything they’re arguing about, including those harsh swearwords my brother shouldn't be aware of. My friends won’t understand. My boyfriend didn't even bother to text me just to ask how I’m doing during this lonely summer days. No one will ever understand because they have never been in a situation like mine. They don’t have a boring life, they can eat whatever they wanted, they don’t have selfish parents, they have money, they have people to talk to and better yet, they don’t have diabetes. I never wanted to question why I have diabetes and I never wanted to hate my life for having this because I know everything happening has its purpose but right now I just can’t help it and I just do, I hate my life for having diabetes. It made things worse than they already are.

As I enter the shower my thoughts are all jumbled up. I have not even the slightest idea on how to stop myself from being so unhappy. I just sit under the shower and wish that I’d be somewhere far. Somewhere alone. Maybe a cliff will do, with all the beautiful view of Mother Nature. And maybe there, just maybe, I could have realized how wonderful life is and that I should appreciate it though how sad situations can be sometimes. I just want a breath of fresh air. Tears would fell. And as I refreshed myself under the shower I pray that when I get out of this little space, I’d be a little bit happier than I was when I entered.